The Tyranny of Choice by Renata Salecl

Author:Renata Salecl
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Profile
Published: 2010-07-14T16:00:00+00:00

4

CHILDREN: TO HAVE OR HAVE NOT?

‘Let’s Make a Baby! An extraordinary and loving story of one woman’s longing to start a family’, read the headline in The Observer magazine. Inside was a feature about a middle-aged woman in search of a man to impregnate her. Jenny Withers was described as a ‘happy, single and soulful’ 41-year-old woman who had never before given any thought to pushing a pram in the supermarket, so terrified was she of the ‘mundane and domestic’. But then, all of a sudden, she was overwhelmed by the desire for a child. Tired of dysfunctional relationships, exhausted by her self-centred life and apparently cured of her neuroses by years of therapy, Jenny decided to take action. She didn’t want to raise a child entirely on her own, as she would have to if she used an anonymous sperm donor, Jenny started searching for a man willing to give not only his sperm but also a commitment to some ongoing role in the life of the child. She almost convinced a homosexual couple to help her, but when this couple split up, she brought her case to a journalist from The Observer.

What does Jenny want? Anyone responding to her quest is asked to send a photo, a CV and a letter explaining why he wants to be her co-parent. Jenny has criteria of her own:

I envisage a co-parent as being middle-class, professional, and with values similar to mine. Age and ethnic origin aren’t important. Physical characteristics don’t matter that much, although obviously I’d prefer an attractive father for my child. In fact, the only thing that really matters are shared values. Whether he is gay, straight or in another relationship is irrelevant. I just want someone who’s willing to be a father and a co-parent. I would also like him to offer some financial support.

It reads like an advertisement for a job. Although she claims to be very open as to the type of man, she clearly has some very particular ideas. Specifically, he should be a male version of herself: middle-class, attractive, with the same values. With this double, this male alter ego, she would establish a contract she rightly calls ‘divorce before marriage’, designed to clear away all potential areas of conflict (other children, other partners).

Jenny falls into the category of the ‘new realist’ mothers-to-be. They have seen what it’s like to raise a child alone (after, for example, being impregnated by an artificial donor) and decided to go another route. Jenny hopes to find someone who will help her raise the child, but she wants to be in total control with regard to the role this person will play. She will prepare for any contingency, and she’s even thinking about hiring a therapist to help the child deal with the arrangement when the time comes. But no matter how careful her planning, she’ll eventually have to accept that the other people involved (the child and the co-parent) will no doubt have expectations and desires that conflict with hers.

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